What do you REALLY want?

Do you know what you really want now? — I do! For the first time in my life — I found me. What I really want to do in life and where I want my life to head to. Without the influence of anyone or the society.

I think most of us spend our lifetime looking for that thing that we really truly want. Most of us don’t know what we want. We think we do, but we really don’t. We only know what we don’t want. We don’t want a boring job. We don’t want to be poor. We don’t want to be a burden to our loved ones.

I always thought not knowing what you want is frustrating but I realised now, knowing what you want but you can’t seem to get there is even more frustrating than not knowing at all.

Let me explain:

Earlier on: I wasn’t sure what I want to do. I don’t know which path best fits my skills and personality. Obviously, because of that I didn’t resolve to follow any particular path. I just practically did “Trial & Error” but applying my “what I don’t want in life” as a guideline.  So, in order to answer my question of what I want, I investigates all sort of possibilities and if it is not what I want in life – I’ll move on to a new path. That’s my way of living. I never really go for second choice or second best.  I keep pursuing. Knocking at every doors, looking for every nooks and holes till I find something that might be “it”. Of course, I have my bad days when I am all confused and discouraged. But, very quickly I’ll pick myself up and move on.

Now: I know what I want to do in my life and what I’m about. But, it’s even more frustrating and discouraging. Why? Because I disagree with the statement, “You can do anything you put your mind to” or “You Can’t Get What You Want Till You Know What You Want”. The irony is I know what I want in life now. As clear as the day but reaching it, I’m like an elephant being chained to the gate.

How is it that I know what I want and yet, it is even more frustrating than not knowing what I want. It is because when you don’t know what you want, everything is just foggy so it doesn’t really matter. But, when you know what you want, you see the beautiful field right in front of you but you are chained tightly and you can’t move towards it. Which is more torturing? Sigh! Yay, that’s me!

Let me clarify, well I can’t really explain the whole situation because I need to protect my safety in a way. (Hard to explain!) Anyway ….

My problem boils down to:

– my last name

– my nationality

– my born into religion which I do not practise nor want it in my life (long story!)

– and, of coz ….. money $$$$$$$$ 

– perhaps, timing too (still am kind of flexible in this)

– last but not least, no one tells me that I might just need a bit of “luck”

I basically just need one or two of those to change in order to change my circumstances. So, what do I do now in the mean time? I sulk! Yes, because I am stuck and hardly have any choice left but to look at the beautiful field of life  and sulk.

At times, I felt like my life is a game of chess and it had come to a “Checkmate”. I have no moves left.

“In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate” –  Isaac Asimov

Nonetheless, on the upside – the beauty of it all is that I took my own path and did not follow the crowd nor the general rules.

“Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.” – Ralph Charell

Perhaps, it is time for me to retreat? or just to ……………. restart again?

At the current time, I really do not know.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. The Adventures of Twins says:

    I think it took me some time to become comfortable with who I am. When we were younger, we never spent any time apart and as we grew older, we were “forced” in a way to become more independent because of our circumstances. I think this independence helped us become more confident. Great post btw, I really like how you write honestly 🙂

    1. jyhedgehog says:

      Thanks for your lovely comment. =)

  2. Kay says:

    Your musings have always been my source of inspiration and motivation. The positivity and diligence that you put in achieving what you want in life never cease to amaze me. It is sad knowing you are in this sticky situation because of things that you don’t really have control over but I really pray that you can hang on just a little bit longer and furiously explore other avenues that you may potentially miss. Perhaps another big move to another ‘greener pasture’? (although I cannot imagine anywhere else that is more beautiful than the place you are now lol!)

    1. jyhedgehog says:

      Kay, you are too kind with your compliment. I’m really just another normal girl trying to live my life as “my own life”. And, it is still my believe that anyone and everyone can do what they want if they want it. But, of coz, it will never happen overnight. It’s something that one have to constantly struggle to get there. But, the struggle is the part which make it worthwhile. I really do now think that it is not the destination that matters but it is how you make your journey to reach there.

      Ya, my situation sucks at the moment. I’ve really look at all my options which are obvious and available. Nothing seems to be working. It’s not easy. Sigh! It’s really discouraging at times. But, I’m sure it will pass too. I just need to keep my head up as much as I can lift it. No…it’s not easy. Sigh! Sigh! Sigh!

      I guess I just need some miracle now. So, if you do have some unused fairy dust, send some over my way. =) And, I am in a beautiful place here in NZ but not economically. LOL! Life…!

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