Do you know what you really want now? — I do! For the first time in my life — I found me. What I really want to do in life and where I want my life to head to. Without the influence of anyone or the society.
I think most of us spend our lifetime looking for that thing that we really truly want. Most of us don’t know what we want. We think we do, but we really don’t. We only know what we don’t want. We don’t want a boring job. We don’t want to be poor. We don’t want to be a burden to our loved ones.
I always thought not knowing what you want is frustrating but I realised now, knowing what you want but you can’t seem to get there is even more frustrating than not knowing at all.
Let me explain:
Earlier on: I wasn’t sure what I want to do. I don’t know which path best fits my skills and personality. Obviously, because of that I didn’t resolve to follow any particular path. I just practically did “Trial & Error” but applying my “what I don’t want in life” as a guideline. So, in order to answer my question of what I want, I investigates all sort of possibilities and if it is not what I want in life – I’ll move on to a new path. That’s my way of living. I never really go for second choice or second best. I keep pursuing. Knocking at every doors, looking for every nooks and holes till I find something that might be “it”. Of course, I have my bad days when I am all confused and discouraged. But, very quickly I’ll pick myself up and move on.
Now: I know what I want to do in my life and what I’m about. But, it’s even more frustrating and discouraging. Why? Because I disagree with the statement, “You can do anything you put your mind to” or “You Can’t Get What You Want Till You Know What You Want”. The irony is I know what I want in life now. As clear as the day but reaching it, I’m like an elephant being chained to the gate.
How is it that I know what I want and yet, it is even more frustrating than not knowing what I want. It is because when you don’t know what you want, everything is just foggy so it doesn’t really matter. But, when you know what you want, you see the beautiful field right in front of you but you are chained tightly and you can’t move towards it. Which is more torturing? Sigh! Yay, that’s me!
Let me clarify, well I can’t really explain the whole situation because I need to protect my safety in a way. (Hard to explain!) Anyway ….
My problem boils down to:
– my last name
– my nationality
– my born into religion which I do not practise nor want it in my life (long story!)
– and, of coz ….. money $$$$$$$$
– perhaps, timing too (still am kind of flexible in this)
– last but not least, no one tells me that I might just need a bit of “luck”
I basically just need one or two of those to change in order to change my circumstances. So, what do I do now in the mean time? I sulk! Yes, because I am stuck and hardly have any choice left but to look at the beautiful field of life and sulk.
At times, I felt like my life is a game of chess and it had come to a “Checkmate”. I have no moves left.
“In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate” – Isaac Asimov
Nonetheless, on the upside – the beauty of it all is that I took my own path and did not follow the crowd nor the general rules.
“Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.” – Ralph Charell
Perhaps, it is time for me to retreat? or just to ……………. restart again?
At the current time, I really do not know.