I have left Malaysia for about 2 1/2 years now. If you asked me if I missed it? No..I don’t miss it. I don’t miss Malaysia at all. Weird, I know! I do miss home though. Home to me is where my parents are. I miss them but, I cannot be around them too long. LOL! Oddly enough we are all not built to live together. Nonetheless, my heart is always with them worrying if they are alright without me. Silly me…of course they are!
Somehow as long as I’m not in Malaysia. I am at peace. I can’t explain myself properly, but whatever worries I had here or anywhere else in the world is nothing comparable to how I feel back home.
I’m going to be done with my studies soon. Am I excited? Not really. I love studying and I enjoyed the non-rat race kind of life. But, all good things will have to come to an end. However, I am sure when one end, another would show up. I’m hopeful of being able to live the life I want. My only quest is in search of authenticity of self. I want to be passionate about life itself. And, never ever forget that.
The self is a complicated matter. Lots of times, I realised the self that I want to lead are always clouded by the judgement of the self that was brought up by the norm of the society. This make it hard cause once in awhile it will crept up behind me and without me realising it, I make certain unwise decision.
The self I realised is one of the most diluted substance. Diluted by one’s upbringing, by the society’s norm and expectation, by your peers, by your partner and even your environment. It is no easy task to stay true to yourself. I think if one is to stay true to oneself, then one might need to opt to live alone in solitary. But, human are not built to live in solitary. Human are a collective creatures. The need to be attached to something. Human need to be feeling that they belong. Belong to a certain in-group in search for safety, love and belonging.
Life is indeed hard and complicated. Maybe it is just me, making my life complicated. Many times a day I wish I wasn’t the way I am. Maybe life would be easier then.
Anyway ….. With no regrets ..
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” – Dr. Seuss